"Email Letters and Poems" between Steven and Kathy
by Kathy Geary Sept 2001
From :
"Kathy Geary"
To :
istuan@hotmail.com
Subject :
poem
Date :
Mon, 17 Sep 2001 11:03:54 -0400
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I remembered that I had written a poem and wanted to send it to you in a letter, and actually wrote the letter but then decided not to send it because is was kind of dark. But here it is. Perhaps it was some kind of premonition. I wrote it a couple days before the attack on NYC.
love Kathy
I have a poem for you - it's not exactly a romantic poem, unless you define romantic in a literary way.
It's a little dark, but the images were so vivid for me that when I got to work it wrote it, instead of doing any office work this morning yet.
It's more about the state of my mind than a prediction of anything, like emotions trying to express themselves in my sleep
because they are not able to break through in my waking.
Dream of Istuan
by Kathy Geary Sept 7 2001
Last night I had the strangest dream
It seemed to be so real.
I dived beneath the murky pool
and saw you sleeping in the mud.
Covered and warm in lake bottom silt and sand.
Many young children
beside you on the ground
were laying all quite still.
That wasn't what was bothering me
it was only the mud,
only the mud that I pondered.
I was walking on the sidewalk
and the sun was in my face.
I remembered all the night before
the dream of you still clear.
Covered and warm in lake bottom silt and sand.
It struck me hard with meaning
the muddy sleep revealed
a certain death-sweet dream.
That wasn't what had bothered me
it was the mud I saw
the preoccupation of it all.
From :
"Kathy Geary"
To :
istuan@hotmail.com
Subject :
home today
Date :
Thu, 10 Jan 2002 14:28:17 -0500
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I guess you're back in El Paso by now. While you were so close by, I was thinking of you constantly. I have written a few letters to you, then decided they were not right to send. Much confusion and negativity that doesn't need to be expressed between us. If there is any kind of future before you and I, then it will have to find it's own way as I have no ideas. That's all I can say. There is much love and much regret.
I like what you said about us, about me, there was much between us that was irreplacable and will always give me a smile to think on.
love,
Kathy
From :
"Kathy Geary"
To :
istuan@hotmail.com
Subject :
home today
Date :
Saturday, June 03, 2000 5:31 AM
I know you are certain of your way as you walk it. Such a proud man,
really you are. although your current eastern leanings might not
consider that a virtue. Still, it's descriptive of how I know you. I
must also say I miss you. This is not something we say to each other, or
very seldom say, but I say it now. I miss you, sleeping next to you and
seeing your face. I got a locket when I was with Kendra in Baltimore and
have your picture with me. It pleases me.
Love you,
Kathy
From :
"Kathy Geary"
To :
istuan@hotmail.com
Subject : Will I regret sending this?
home today
Date :
Monday, May 29, 2000 6:37 PM
So many thoughts. We are going separate paths now. When we traveled
together we were one mind, now we are apart and are growing further
apart everyday I feel. I wish you well, but I wonder if I want to see
you again? I am being hurt by my love for you.
I have perhaps a different view of love? I am only comfortable with
one person at a time. I am not interested in adding a third one to our
sexuality together, nor am I interested in being a step mother to another's child. I want to find a small town where I can live quietly on
the outskirts and raise my own child, and if I can't have a child then
I want to live quietly with my friends and find a man who has fulfilled
his fantasies of adventure and wants one to be still and be content with
me just for who i am and no more. I want to be with one who wants me as
much as I want them. I want passion and love. I want to make dinners and
eat outside on the lawn in the evening and grow flowers and have
musicians come over to play and have a little boat somewhere and watch
sunsets and rainstorms, reading and talking and laughing. Going on
visits to islands far away then come roaring back home, glad to be there
again.
What do you want Steven? Do you really want to see me again? I do
not understand some of the things you have said to me.
Kendra showed me how to use dried chilis to make exquisite mexican food.
She showed me the amazing rose flower water that you can use on foods.
so wonderful.
I am constantly thinking of you. I am constantly thinking of myself and
what is it I want? What can I do to make my life full of meaning. I have
been so happy with you, thank you for your love and sharing your time
with me.
I love you,
Kathy
From :
"Kathy Geary"
To :
istuan@hotmail.com
Subject :
home today
Date :
Tuesday, April 18, 2000 5:39 PM
oh I feel so far away - I am wishing I was with you. I am not sure what
is happening with my life and your life. I'm sad and afraid. I'm scared
and lonesome....
this will pass, everything does...that's what's so sad. I feel terribly
weak and there's a pit in my stomach, I can't reason with myself and my
heart is crying.
And how are you? You are fine and free. what are you feeling? Do you
feel like this? I can't imagine that you do, I hope you are well.
I love you darling, k
From :
"Kathy Geary"
To :
Steven Zsako
Subject : Good to hear your voice
Date :
Sunday, May 07, 2000 7:38 PM
You called me two times in the past couple days and I have missed
your call both times! It was such a pleasure to hear your voice. I like
to imagine that when you come into my thoughts that at that moment I am
in your thougths as well. And I do think on you, sometimes at night I
feel like you are right there next to me, even though you are many
thousand miles away.
I think it's wonderful that you are going to Big Sur. I have always
wondered how it is there and would love to see it for myself. I guess
you have made friends at the ashram and perhaps have some company on
your trip to the hot springs.
It has just turned to summer here in the past two days. I went to
China town with Phyllis and Mark Fiedler and we ate dim sum, many
different kinds. Then we walked all over and went back to Phyllis's
little garden and played backgammon. All day I kept hoping that someone
would pull out a joint, but even though we all talked about it, no one
ever did. (I have stopped buying it since it is so hard for me to
control my desire to eat when I'm high, and if I'm here by myself it's
not a good thing for me to eat so much.) Then I went to Euphoria the
music studio I used to own and visited with David and heard him play
with his blues band. We are going to rehearse together next sunday, just
David and me to see how that feels. When I got home there was your
message.
I am expecting Marilyn and Gail and maybe Aunt Frances to come here
sometime in June and we'll have a funeral ceremony for my Dad. Not
looking too far into the future after that, no idea. Phylliss and I
talked about camping out at the end of the summer and catching some fish
for her to cook (yumm...)
I love you dearly and wish you safe and happy trails,
hugs and kisses for you, Kathy
From : Istuan Ladislaus Zsako
To :
"Kathy Geary"
Subject : back in time
Date :
Saturday, September 23, 2000 8:26 AM
Kathy,
Last night I when I checked your e-mail, I found it very funny that you had mentioned that you would like to talk in the evening. This was after I had called you, I just felt that I should call.
El Paso!?!? I hear what you have said, the most so true. Although, there are still many people here! They are all to busy doing something little or nothing at all. I will hand it to those who are spending there time creating something for tomorrow.
My life as always been somewhat filled woth time and leasure. I have always enjoyed doing what I want to, when I want to and not having any problems making it happen. Except that it was mostly by myself! Isaac was always up for something exciting and different.
I have been te mpted, as I have thought of before, to sit out on a corner with a pitcher of limonade, chair and a table, and just hang out. Put on a nice suit or something dressy. Put up a big sign that says, I had nothing better to do today, can you spare some change. If I were to do this in this town, I would be sitting there bymyself.
I was the one who loved to put on all sorts of getups and wigs and go out in public, as a pimp or just a freak, polyester suits whatever we pulled of the racks at my apartment. John was up to it, now he just stays home, sleeps real late, then wakes up to go to school and then when he is off school it is already after 6:00.
Time is the strangest part of being here. I spoke of this with Kelli, it is the only city in which time exists. I feel it ticking away, I feel as if anything I do is a waste of time, or that there is not enough time to do what it is I wish to do??? What a paradox I have stepped into and need to find my way out of!!! AAAHHHH!!!
This is why I have have been sitting. Last night, I thought of going to
white sands for the star gazing, at the last moment I decided not to go. I have so much to share I feel as if now I wish to be sharing it with others. To have someone to cook for,to sit with when I eat, to watch a movie, go for a walk or to just sit in silence. I truly treasure our time spent together.
"when I count my blessings I count you twice"
The funny thing is, I remember thinking of some people who did not care to be going out all the time and would like to spend their time sitting with a friend and just hang out as pretty dull. After my perspective on life began to awaken, what happened to all these brothers and sisters.
Bodie says he would leave with I to something nwe, but we would have to just LEAVE! The moment it is spoken we must get in the car and go. I owuld enjoy getting him out of the house and El Paso to get to see something new. Even if it were just New Mexico. He likes the idea of havingland , but wishes to stay near his mother. He seems to be happy even with a piece of desert. ??? I wonder about the asset thing for those on SSI, Bodie and Isaac. Who's name would they have to use if you were to get a piece of land? My name I would question using even more, and the biggest thing to really be aware of is, " are they really going to enjoy such a lifestyle". Bodie could find his peace and joy, wondering aimlessly around, Isaac is a good person who enjoys interacting with others, he does not need it, but it could draw him back to the city.
I wish the best to the two and wish them to come and see what I may create if given the opportunity.
I love you,
Istuan
----Original Message Follows----
From: Kathy Geary
To: istuan@hotmail.com
Subject: going back in time
Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 08:38:44 -0400
El Paso seems weird because (I think) you used to know so many people
and now most of them are gone. It comes down to just one or two people
in any town. We were talking about Kelly and that community that comes
with the high school thing. It never is like that again and I think
you're still young enough to remember it as the standard mode of life
and now that place where it used to be is not the same and it's eriee.
Even now when I go back to Ft Worth, it's weird not to have that tribe
there, not to hardly know anyone in a place that was so central to being
who you are.
You are so lucky to have your family and I'm glad you can be with them
when you want to. Or leave when you want to. You are my family now.
Lexx was great, Kai is the shit. I can't explain why he's so attractive,
but I have a crush on a tv character and it's like being a teenager
again myself. It makes me smile.
love, Kathy
Hello,
I am in Pardington. IT is about 10 miles south of Big Sur. These shots are
from a property, where I have done some work in the gardens. Yesterday the
fog rolled in. The property is on a mountain side overlooking the ocean.
The fog settled right below us. Today the fog was going up and down. One
minute all is clear than the next you could only see about 20-30 ft.
Beautiful... Life, such a blessed thing...
Love,
Istuan
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